As soon as word spread July 4 that a man was thought to have murdered his wife and two children before committing suicide, counselors and staff in the Newberg School District leaped into action.

One of the victims, Jackson Engels, 11, had been a fifth-grade student at Dundee Elementary School. His sister, Bailey, 13, was a student at Chehalem Valley Middle School and a former Dundee student.

Two days after the tragedy, a safe room was set up at the elementary school, staffed by teachers and counselors who volunteered their time.

“I’ve done a lot of crisis response, because there has been a lot of loss in the district in the years that I’ve been here,” said counselor Kevin Hall, who has worked at Dundee for 13 years. He added, however, that it was the first time he had to help students deal with the murder of classmates.

Some things remain the same no matter what the crisis is, Hall explained. “Regardless of (the) crisis, the most common question is always, ‘Why?’” he said, adding that it is usually followed closely by, “Is it going to happen to me?”

Even the adults who accompanied their children to the safe room were asking why the tragedy occurred.

“Sometimes there might be answers,” Hall said, such as a car spinning out of control or a disease that doctors couldn’t cure. Other times, as in this case, there are no ready answers.

“I’m above all totally honest with the kids and my answer is ‘I don’t know,’” he said. “I think we’re amiss if we are anything but honest about that.”

The purpose of the safe room, Hall explained, is to allow students to ask questions about the tragedy and to create an atmosphere where they feel that it’s normal to talk about it. Art and writing supplies are on hand. Students will create art for the students directly affected or for themselves, or they might write down their questions, Hall said of common behaviors.

“It’s a time for them to have a safe place to ask the questions that they need to ask,” Hall said, even if the answers he and other counselors offer are less than satisfactory. “It’s not lecture time at all,” he said, emphasizing that counselors and teachers are there to listen to the children.

With many counselors out of town due to school being out of session, Hall asked staff from the school to drop by the safe room so that children who came would see familiar, friendly faces. The safe room is to help kids start their grieving process, but Hall said he would likely work one-on-one with some students when the school year starts.

The sole counselor for Dundee and Ewing Young elementary schools won’t be able to offer that level of attention to all students. Those who need regular one-on-one help to work through their grief he will refer to professional counselors outside of the school system, but he doesn’t expect too many of those.

“For a lot of kids that will be enough, because it opens the door that it’s OK to talk about it,” he said of the safe room operation. “It seemed that most everybody needed to get something out,” Hall said of the safe room visitors, with the adults talking about the murders and the kids creating art.

Having known both of the children, Hall has had to put his own grieving process on hold while operating the safe room. “I’m blessed with an amazing support system,” Hall said, citing his wife and friends within and outside the school district. “This is one of these where my time to deal with it will be more in the future. It has to be.”

Most counselors he knows would react the same way, he said. “Most of us we would insist on being there,” he said. “I can’t imagine not being there for my kids.”

Dos and don'ts of counseling children
Kevin Hall sent the following suggestions to parents of the Newberg School District on how to help their children navigate their feelings toward the Engels tragedy.

• Do listen. Grieving children need a safe, trusted adult who will listen to them.
• Do answer the questions they ask, even the hard ones. Give them the information you feel they are developmentally ready to handle and just stick to the facts. The younger your child, the more “black and white” you may want to be.
• Do ask them how they feel and what they think. Do not assume you know.
• Do be willing to admit you don’t know something or don’t understand what happened.
• Do be honest and appropriate about your own feelings. However, it is not the time to tell your own story of hurt or loss. In a few weeks … maybe. Not right now.
• Do allow your child to initiate discussions concerning the situation.
• Do respect differences in grieving style.
• Do follow routines. Routines provide a sense of safety which can be comforting to your child.
• Do limit your child’s exposure to media and adult conversations concerning the situation.
• Do be aware that if there is recent loss, crisis or conflict in the life of your child, this may be more difficult for him or her.
• Do not label their feelings as right or wrong, good or bad.
• Do not suggest that your child has grieved long enough.
• Do not indicate that your child should get over it and move on.
• Do not act as if nothing has happened.
• Do not say things like “I know how you feel” or “You’ll be stronger because of this.”
• Do not be surprised to see your child cycling through needing to talk about the situation. He or she may just need to play one moment and talk the next.
• Do be willing to seek help for your child if you are concerned about his or her response to the tragedy.

Laurent Bonczijk,. Newberg Graphic